what's next?

It's been 6 months since the last time I updated this blog. A lot of things happend and a foreseen break-up is about to materialize. I always ask myself, "What happend dude?"... Simple question but... hard to answer.

I am confused. I am definitly confused on what is happening. When I found out that all of my speculations were true, I felt that something had changed. Before, I always receive messaages with the sweet notings and calls even he knows that I am in the office. I told him that whenever he wants to contact me, I can always find time to accommodate. I know that the "Hub", "Bhe" and likes issues are still existing. For sure that is the reason of the change. I ask him, "Is this working?" then as usual, I always receive a made face and his signature phrases, "Ikaw bahala ka..".

When we met a couple of weeks ago, I know there is something wrong. I remember, when we always "do it" I felt his passion and the hunger for "it". The last time there is none. It so happend that he implies to avoid doing "it". And here we goes with the paranoid mode. What if he misses he's new FUBU? Someone who can satisfy his sexual urges? Someone who is better in felatio and FA? For GOd's sake. Ayoko na. :(

When you least expect, the person that you love the most. You adored and protected, suddenly curses you because of reverse psychology thing? How would you react?
And he quote "Putang ina mo talaga, pakialemera ka talaga!" and "Putang ina mo sumagot ka!". I always get mad with this curses! As much as possible, I always control my temper. Temperance. But lately, I lost it. And it all happens again. Again and again..

I always remember the "fight and confrontation scene" at coffeeshop. The walkout momments. The mild sigawan momment. The sigawan momment via Text (thanks to sun). Wala lang. Nakaktuwa. We were like an ordinary teenage sweethearts who always had a fight because of misunderstanding and jealousy. Lost of communication and transparency, infedility. Lahat na. Yes... Lahat na ng pwede mong maisip! Damn!

Money is the root of all evil. This is true. The Holy Bible clearly said this. Money issue becomes a part of our monthly quarrel. I do sometimes question myself, "If this is all out of love, why does he is asking for money?" And the way he demands is as if owe something. Seemingly it is my obligation to send money whenever he needs it. A friend of mine told me, "Money shouldnt be part of the relationship. Specially same sex. It might create an impression to the "host" that he is being eaten. Literally, financially (of course!) and emotionally. He called it "tulong". I called it "sustento". An expense on my side, a gain on his. I find it funny seeing that he got a lot of new stuffs. New clothes, new accessories and likes. While me, saving money so I can support him. Hahaha... I am such an asshole.

Today, my phone was totaly wrecked! He is so free for the next 3 to 5 days texting, calling who ever Poncio Pilato he wants. Well no surprise. He can always do it. In my presence or none.

jealousy is the root of all

And he quote, "I am not jealous, I never been jealous, ngayon lang!!!!" ... Miguel Montenegro, You Changed My Life.....
So ironic isn't?

They say your relationship can be considered healthy and normal if once in a while you had a single misunderstanding or a fight to be exact. If makes your relationship more intimate and goes deeper.

This month is really heavy for us. We usually argue and fight for some petty things that in the end we agreed that those stuffs shouldnt be an issue at all. In the end, I ask myself, why I am feeling unsecure with him?

I am asking myself, is there something wrong with me? Am I too demanding for everything? Am I asking too much?

exciting night

After spending the whole day outside, we decided that he(my partner) will stay in our apartment. Though, my straight room mate was there. hahaha... Funny how we manage to pretend that we are just "friends". Well I just can't help it. We slept in a separate bed but holding our hands the whole night. Early at 5am, I was awaken by his kiss... While his eyes is looking to my room mate's bed.. hahaha... i love it... =)

=)

happy ending... storm is over... puta, nung makita ko sya.... wala na lahat ng inis at asar... really funny... the stiff and strong personality became a loving sheep... hahaha...

=(

will I stop believing that things will be good till the end?

the big Beer issue

and he quote, "Beer makes me relax...."

I always told him that moderate drinking is good. Just take a shot or a bottle or two is enough to satisfy your cravings... He told me last time that he haven't drinking for more than 3 months in a row. I said we can break that on our monthsary on the 30th. Well, obviously he cant wait for it.

Since last week, he's been drinking with his "friends". Choosing the bottles of SMB rather than staying in the classroom to take their Pharma class... "Drinking is okay", I said, "But you should know your limits, specially you're still studying and its weekdays". And yes. The asshole didn't listen... Really bullshit..

=)

how far should i go???

=)

i realized that doubts has a good side...=)

100%

"omangalus: i can feel na happy ka, doubts are always there,wag lang tayo mabulag sa kasayahan, always keep an open mind and eye for all other things, wag pakalasing sa pagibig...."

a good friend of mine advised this. he is really correct. in love, i always give my 100%.... i dont care if i become the looser in the end.. all i want is to give my ALL...

a snob monday

I always reminding myself that monday should be started in high positive energy. No tantrums, no snob attitude, no sermons from my boss and no quarrels with my partner.
Though I started waking up in a positive aura, as soon as I received the regular "goodmorning " message the positive one faded instantly.

I sent more messages, even if I am in a busy meeting this morning but what I get is a response from air. The next is when he is bound to school.

Everyday, I felt that the sweetness is declining. Though I know this is the hardest dates for us since we are both busy on our own business. But I guess it is not fair that as soon I tried to open myself to make this relationship work, I do not feel the efforts from his end. I asked him if we can go out after the holy week but I havent receive any feedback yet since last night. It seems that he is avoiding the issue. Im excited for it because we will celebrate our monthsary. But again, I dont feel him. I am dying to see him and telling that I miss him so much, but as he texted , "miss u more"... No signs of sincerity.

I always ask myself, is there something wrong with me? My kakulitan is the only thing that you can count against me but other from that I guess there is none. I am pissed if I do not receive response immediately, because I do not buy the word "busy"... grrrrrrrrrr.... this is really really getting worse...=(

analyzing the letter A

As we get along, I never thought that I will be in the situation of doubting my partner. Well that's my instinct. And based on my experience, my instincts never fails me..

Same sex relationships is halfheartedly accepted in the community. I know that falling in love with him is really prohibited. And I consider myself as one the hoping bi's all over the planet that someday my heart will be warmth by someone. Though I have him, I do not feel his existence. And this impression really drives me crazy.

I do not expect that whenever we go out, he will be affectionate. But I guess, I should whenever we hang out at my pad. Unfortunately it never happens in both situations. The reality of the word remains a dream. The lesson... DON'T EXPECT!!!

While writing this entry, he texted and asked if I ate my dinner. I told him not yet coz Im still thinking about my recent medical check-up. What I received is just a simple response, "Okay, bahala ka"... As soon as I digested the message, I totally lost my appetite.

start of something new

everyone hopes for a new start every new year. even i. new career, new gadgets, new sets of clothes, new friends and so on. 2010 is really different. well aside from my biggest career shift..errr.. i think i found him. started as textmates. next being friends. end up being partners in life...